It's been a good long while since I last sat down to blog properly. We've been assessed formally on them, and so they've sort of (shamefully) fallen by the wayside. What's strange, though, is that I've actually sort of... missed it? I don't know whether it's the sort-of catharsis I feel when I've written something I think is good, or whether it's sharing what I think about films I like. Or don't like. I don't even know if it's the instant gratification of constructing something, decorating it with little pictures, captions, whatever, clicking 'publish' and- WHOOP!- there it is.
It's a bit of a mix of them all, really. They're all valid enough reasons. In all honesty though, the real reason is probablty one I wouldn't ever say out loud because I'm not entirely sure how true it is- and it's not something I say very often, if at all. I like blogging- and in fact, any kind of writing, even handwriting- is because I'm... gasp!... not terrible at it....?! I have been having somewhat of crisis these past couple of terms in uni. We have a year left and I don't really have all that much to show for it, in a practical film making sense. It started off innocently enough- there'd be the odd weekend shoot or some such that I couldn't make because I was off earning a not-so-pretty penny as a soul-whore for G1 (God, I hate them so much). After a while, it seemed to my paranoid head that I was falling behind.
As our course started spiralling towards specialisms, I just couldn't pick one- I'm still not sure. There isn't one where I feel I've had a huge amount of practise to confidently say "I can do this, and I can hold my own with everyone else". I've grown to love camera, but before discovering I needed glasses, my confidence was knocked slightly by horrible, out-of-focus footage and it taking me a little while longer than the rest to actually 'get' everything. But when it came to sitting down and writing stuff, it came easily to me. It's not that I was necessarily good at it, it just seemed easy. Ish. Sure, it takes me a while to sit down and actually write anything, but when I do, I do it until it's done. I can write at home, or on endless bus journeys, or if I have time to while away between uni and work. I was a teensy bit rattled by a pretty poor overall mark for my research assignment for uni, and my blog in general. After all, if I didn't get good marks for that, what did I have a chance at getting good marks for?!
I suppose I only really have myself to blame for my rubbish final essay, especially after an extended deadline. And another extended deadline. I feel like I let myself fall behind alot, and let stupid things from my outside life affect things in my academic life. Maybe it would've helped to write about it, rather than wallow and wait anxiously for my phone to beep. Who knows. I'm trying to catch up, so here's a first-in-a-while attempt... a comeback attempt? Does that work?! Whatever. I'm not even proof reading it. I think that's the point.